working thoughts

so at work I'm often inside a half-finished condo by myself moving material, cleaning up, looking for tools, whatever. I take advantage of the alone time to sing (poorly) and think. today I had two good thoughts and one decent song. I can't very well share my singing with you through a blog, but here were my two epiphanies:

1. Construction is essentially moving things. No matter what trade you are, your job is to move something from the pallet on which it was delivered to the place in one of the units where it will remain for up to a few decades.

I was taking a couple trash cans down the lift to the dumpster on 4th Avenue, when I saw a forklift unloading a stack of drywall onto the loading dock. I envisioned watching the path of one sheet of drywall, following it in fast-forward motion as it got taken up the lift to the floor it was headed to, then sitting in a stack for a couple seconds as men scurry around like blurry ants taking sheet after sheet off the pile until this one was up. then it gets carried into some bedroom, screwed into the metal studs, painted over, and there it sits for the rest of its life as the inhabitants of its bedroom scurry around busily and age and move out.

2. Construction is essentially the male equivalent to stripping. a woman's body produces more estrogen than a man's, so she grows boobs and makes money off them. a man's body produces more testosterone than a woman's, so he grows more muscle mass and makes money utilizing it. we're all just exploiting our hormones.

a dream upon awakening

this morning I woke up on my stomach. my eyes were still closed, but I realized I was conscious. I lifted myself up while turning my head and opened my eyes to check the time on the alarm clock next to my bed. when I opened my eyes I saw an ivory wall and a sliding glass door, and outside the fog was glowing an incandescent white. it was such a disappointment within that one second of realization that my alarm clock was in a room in my parents' house in a city I no longer call home. the last two and a half weeks suddenly shoved itself between my dream and reality.

I felt so saddened by this because I knew that after one or two more times, I would stop looking for my stupid, black, plastic, Radio Shack alarm clock I've had since the early 90s. I will know it's not there anymore.

I know chivalry is dead

... because I killed it.

I was sitting at the bus next to Sergio when a mom and her four year old daughter got on. mommy couldn't find any empty seats, so she leaned against the wall and held on to little precious pooopy between her bipod. I thought, "I should give her my seat," and did nothing. heading down 3rd Avenue, I realized how I really ought to give her my seat and still did nothing. Sergio mumbled, "Brian, you should give her your seat," because Sergio is Sergio, and Sergio would tell me to offer a lady my seat when he could just as easily do the same. I remumbled, "When we stop." So then we stopped, and a lady farther gave up her seat for the lady without a seat, as I sat there and looked and felt like a dumb shit.

story of my life.

two things

1. "I've been in a sort of depression for a while now. a man - even a strong man - can tread water for a while. and he can stay up and keep going. but then a wave comes and knocks you under. then you have a choice. you can keep treading water. or you can get flushed down like a turd in a toilet, and that's it. I'm still going..."

don't bother googling it, you won't find it.



2. I wouldn't have told anyone this part of my motivation for going.

my plan was to leave before I got left. I don't expect anyone to stay with any permanence in my life, and only three people know why. I wonder how things might have turned out if I'd stayed.

seattle

it was exactly one week ago I arrived here. I have yet to befriend anyone up here, but I'll work on that. As for the city itself, I love it.

in Europe last February, as I walked through the cobbled streets of Belgium, I tried to imagine what it would be like to leave California and call this new place my home. that's one image that stuck with me - the masonry. it gave the place texture, made it feel different from home. in the last week, twice I've taken the bus downtown to wander the streets aimlessly. there are some wonderful bricks here, and they feel nothing like the red ones of 5th Avenue, San Diego.

currently, Scot is up here visiting his cousin Lisa who lives in Kent, about twenty minutes down the freeway (or a little longer when she gets lost in the ghetto). Lisa and Scot picked me up after work today. first we put some Dicks in our mouths. (it's the closest competition Washington has against In-n-Out. I'm unimpressed.) then we went to her house for dinner and a viewing of her notorious soccer video where she scored the winning goal two minutes after getting a yellow card. the whole damn time she swore it was right about to happen. and Scot finally gave me my going away present(s). presently, I'm enjoying the first cd as I type away furiously. "Chicago" just came on [:

it was extremely cathartic to see a familiar face. I've been so preoccupied with work, getting settled in, trying to find food in our kitchen, that I haven't been able to collect my thoughts and truly relax. it's going to be hard for a while, and I appreciate anything that will make it easier.