a thought to help me

you don't need to know that I care about you, or that I regard your happiness as more important than mine, or that I love you even when you hurt me.  you don't need to know how much you mean to me because I do, and for now that's enough.  but I wish you could know how sorry I am.

one thing I enjoy about work is getting to experience job-site humor. this week our guys moved up to the 11th floor. I mean we door guys... S. Madison Services is our company's name. different trades are on all different levels. for example the cabinet guys - they work for Perrott - are a level ahead of us. the fuckin tile guys (which is how they're always referred to) are always on the floor we're on and always putting their stuff in our way and their trash in our cans. one time I pointed out to Dennis (our foreman) that our can was full of tile trash. he said "What!?!" picked up the can, walked over to the pallet with all their tiles, and dumped it on top. I thought the tile scraps were going to break the ones still in the boxes he dumped it so hard. he said "Don't be gentle with their shit!"

I thoroughly enjoy the humor of the job site.

our port-a-potties here are called Honey Buckets because they all say that on the side. that's the name of the company who provides and services them. anyway, I was in the honey bucket on monday... of course this is the beginning of a good story. the sticker that normally says "IF THIS UNIT IS IN NEED OF SERVICE PLEASE NOTIFY OUR OFFICE" was skillfully altered with a sharpie to say "IF THIS UNIT IS IN NEED OF SERVICE PLEASE NOTIFY YOUR ANUS."

in the stair well, taped to the wall outside the door to each floor is an orange, laminated piece of paper with bold writing saying "LEVEL blah." next to it is another orange paper that says "ABSOLUTELY NO FOOD, DRINK, OR TOBACCO ON THIS LEVEL!!!" on level 11 someone added to that sign in pencil: "drugs & alcohol ok" two days later the safety guy came around with a red marker and crossed that out, just to clarify.

and on each of those level number signs, someone wrote a little something in sharpie.
LEVEL 3 "to pee" then in different handwriting underneath that, it said "you're a fag!"
LEVEL 4 "horror"
LEVEL 5 "stay alive"
LEVEL 6 I forget
LEVEL 7 "s heaven"
LEVEL 8 "s great"
LEVEL 9 I forget
LEVEL 10 "pig pen"
LEVEL 11 "balls"

after thinking

... but you're exactly what I need. absolutely perfect.

copy/paste

I think I’ve found it. Just now, continuing a conversation in my head.

I’m looking for a Christian, in the oldest sense of the word. Not Christian vs catholic, or churched vs unchurched, or any bullshit like that. I mean someone who emulates Christ in their selfless regard for the happiness of others. Someone who makes others (me) happy without caring what they will get in return. Many of these Christians have never been to a church. It is possibly for that reason that they are the best type, the unadultered type of Christ-followers. These people don’t know they’re doing the work of God, they just do it because it is who they are.

Maybe their happiness isn’t derived from somewhere completely within themselves and it’s ok. If they attribute value to helping and serving others, and they are around people who do the same, then their own sense of purpose and well-being is established by what each is doing individually and edified by the others like them.

the first time I left San Diego, I didn't know what was in store for me here in Seattle. this time leaving I knew full well what house I'd be living in, what air mattress I'd be sleeping on, what work would be like tomorrow, how cold it is at six in the morning, and what it would be like to be alone again. I was not excited at all. even watching the wing flaps open during the landing couldn't fascinate me like it normally does.

let's say I was home again, home in SD. would I be happy? no, but -er. let's say you called me right now and we had another great talk. would that do it? no, but getting warm. let's say I knew you would love to talk to me any time, and I knew I could call and have a quick catch-up or a drawn-out talk about everything and about nothing until we were mumbling with our eyes half open and the sun was coming up, and either way it would be fine. would that do it? maybe. let's say I got to touch you again or hold your hand for one more song in the back seat. am I happy yet? in that moment, just for the time being, I'd be doing great.

but where's the grand slam? I'm pissed I missed free Dennys day btw. what could I have that would allow me to wake up every morning ready to smile because I know things are going right? I've come up with two answers thus far. uno: to know that my love is being accepted and given back just as freely. dos: to know that I'm doing something meaningful with my life, that I'm headed in a directioin instead of just hovering and dicking around like a cloud of flies churning in the air above some poo. I'm starting to think about those two things and wonder if they're actually the same.

FUCK

I'm screaming this:

dont let me drag you down. I'm waist deep in the mucky shit on the side of the road, but don't you dare even look back. run. run exactly the same way you were going and don't ever think about me. you can still make it. I'll crawl out sticking, stinking, dripping with filth, and you better not touch me. someone up ahead can help you, and the two of you will make it to where you and I should have gone. more than I want to be there with you, I now want you to be there with anyone who can show you what I should have. forget me. remembering will only hinder you getting there.

C.

the first time I heard about "The Secret," it was on some morning talk radio show. During their segment on dumb people in the news, they said something like "last week a man's bank refused to accept a check he wrote to himself for one million dollars. after watching The Secret, the man decided writing himself a check for a million dollars would help bring about that positive change he was looking for in his life."

then a year ago in my lovely personal development class, we watched some excerpts from the movie. I think the gist of the fifteen dollar dvd that holds the secret of the universe was if you think about something, it will happen.

if you think about success long enough and hard enough, you'll be successful. if you think, "I hope I don't get in a car accident," you're still putting out the vibrations of "car accident" into the universe, so you're going to get into a car accident anyway.

anything good that happens to you, you earned it by thinking about it. anything bad happens, you caused it by hoping it wouldn't happen.

the second part is completely ludicrous, so I'll say nothing of it. but as for the first part.... I came up with something at work today.

The Secret got it half right. thinking about success is necessary to become successful. HOWEVER. they stop short of finishing the idea. thinking about success and then taking action will make you successful. if you think long enough and hard enough, "how can I make money?" you will get an idea, then you try it. it probably won't work the first time, so you think some more. eventually, with the right amount of thought and action, you will get what you want. tons of positive thinking alone won't get you shit. it's because you were so driven towards your goal that you thought about it so much, and after thinking about it enough, you had a viable course of action to realize your goal. then you achieved your goal. A causes B, B facilitates C, C causes D. a shitload of B, however, will never cause D. you need C.