Sergio is staying in San Diego and not coming back to live with me. now it's just my uncle and I living here, along with his insufferable new lady friend that shows up to make dinner and dumb comments from time to time. today I moved all Sergio's things out of his room, and I am now relocated from the air mattress in the living room to the shitty mattress in the second bedroom.
I'm not ok. I feel like Kevin Spacey's wife from American Beauty, trying to convince myself that everything is fine and I'm happy and life is good and normal. but no, it isn't. when I'm distracted at work, things are fine. but every day for about the past week, I've gotten home and, after relaxing for a bit and having something to eat, the sobering reality hits me again. I'M ALL ALONE. every person I care about is 1,269 miles away. what the fuck am I doing? I'm stuck here. I'll go back and not have a job and be behind in school and never go anywhere or be able to love anyone or make something of my life... it's a runaway cycle of negative thoughts.
since I can remember, I've had a problem with getting sad. I don't get sad, I get mad. coincidentally, when I get extremely mad - which is exceedingly rare and hard to bring about - my eyes start to water like I'm about to cry. I think some axons got crossed and mismatched in my brain.
early this evening I was sitting on the edge of my bed, leaning forward, intently staring at the suitcase in the corner that still holds all my clothes. I am all alone. I should be in San Diego. I got so sad I wanted to break things. most people call this emotion "mad."
I realized I'm not about to strike up several friendships anytime too soon, so my time alone in the near future should be spent in a productive way that can provide an outlet for what I'm feeling. I needed music. in one of the closets here, I came across an old Yamaha electric keyboard that I assume belonged to my uncle's friend who moved out in January. I pulled it out, saw it had no DC adaptor, and turned it on to see if it had battery power left. no. frustrated, I decided to get on a bus, go downtown to a pawn shop I checked out once before, and blow my grocery money on an acoustic guitar. as I was getting my wallet and house key, I realized it was already 7:30. pretty much everything in downtown except bars closes at 6 or 7. maybe tomorrow.
MONOLOGUE
"passion" was taken from Middle English, from Old French, from the Late Latin "passio," from the Latin word "pati," meaning "to suffer." the word was mainly used in Christian theology to refer to Christ's suffering. Mel Gibosn's Passion of the Christ wasn't referring to His love for mankind as many would think, but rather to His suffering so graphically depicted in the movie.
an artist may declare, "Painting is my passion!" with the way our language has developed, we understand him to be saying, "Painting is what I live for! It is what I'm driven to do, and I do it for the love of it, and I will never stop painting unless both my arms are cut off."
and it's easy to see how this evolution of meaning came about. there were artists like Van Gogh, who quite literally suffered for art. you know... the story of how he cut off his own ear because no matter how hard he tried he could not paint it perfectly??? actually that isn't the real circumstance behind the incident, but it makes for a good illustration here.
people calling something they felt great affection for a "passion" was hyperbole, but not to a great extent. a man says he is passionate for football. he is a true die-hard fan. he will go to the away game in the snow with his chest painted and no shirt on. he loves his team so much, he feels so strongly for it, that he will in fact suffer for it.
his act of suffering for something shows his level of regard for it, and this is called being "passionate."
if I was passionate about something, I would probably be sad for days, weeks, even a whole month if I thought I had lost it. I might ruin my own life just so I wouldn't have to see the thing itself be ruined.
it's not something I have asked myself recently, but wh am I really passionate about?
6 comments:
the only person you need to figure out what you're passionate about is yourself. so at this point, i'm not worried for you. and i know that doesn't sound like much coming from me, a person you've only seen in person maybe twice and hardly know or whatever, but i have faith that you'll find it eventually. maybe the first step is learning to be satisfied alone before anything else.
you'll find it. maybe in ten years, but you will.
for a while I thought the same thing, that I should be capable of being happy alone, and that would facilitate my finding happiness in relationships and interactions with others. but now I'm thinking that being happy and alone is unnatural and possibly unattainable (for me at least). the way I see it, the only thing that makes a real difference is sharing life with others. I can be happy alone for a while, like climbing a mountain by myself and taking in the view. but I agree with Alexander Supertramp's epiphany, something like "happiness is meaningless unless shared."
you are right. do you think you'll do anything about it immediately?
what can I do? I'm not asking you so much as thinking out loud (or so to speak).
here in Seattle? I guess I can try to find friends and enrich their lives and let my own be enriched by them. but back home are many people who care about me and whom I care about deeply. if I went back, my life and possibly some of theirs would be that much better right away, just by being with each other and living life. that's something I'm thinking about all the time.
well brian. i don't think there's any wrong answer to this. so don't let anyone tell you that something you may decide is wrong and don't be worried that it's wrong. whatever it is, it'll be right for you. (and i just got the alexander supertramp reference... ha ha. totally cried at that part in the movie). damn.
still, though, even though you're having all these thoughts and unsure of what to do, i'm not worried for you. one of my top problems is anxiety, so that's saying something.
if you do come back, i'm looking forward to being friends with you! if you don't, i'm looking forward to being friends with you!
thanks janny (:
hopefully real-life friends, but for now we'll stay virtual friends.
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