there's so much to say, so I'll get right to it.
leaving everyone is going to suck. that's the only drawback to moving, and it's a huge one. I'm grateful for everything each of you has brought to my life. the laughs, the talks, the nights out, the conversations lasting til morning, the concerts, classes, hearings, ditch days, camping trips, bonfires, nights spent star gazing, lifeguard tower talks, moonlit beach walks, games, jam sessions, trips to the gym, five-mile runs, parties, confrontations with police, writing sessions, hot tub dips, trips to the fair, aimless drives, shopping sprees, the hill, fifty-message conversations, guys nights out, family gatherings, road trips, starbucks talks, beach days... too much to remember. To everyone who was a part of any memory... my life is great because of you. I don't want to sound like I have a week left to live (even though it sort of feels like that). I just want to take this time to say some nice things that need to be said.
Chris, I remember freshman year at D-teams sitting across from you and thinking to myself, 'Why does this guy think he's so cool?' But slowly, and I don't remember exactly when, we became best friends. You've been there for me, and you helped me through some of my roughest times. I hope I've come close to being as good a friend. I admire you for all your ideas and ambitions, and I'll know you'll go far. Keep writing.
Max, when I tell stories to my kids about what I did in high school, I'm pretty sure you'll be in all of them. Obviously you were one of my best friends throughout the past four years, and more so as time went on. I regret leaving you more than anyone else because I know how opposed you were to me going. I can imagine it right now - me going up there, wanting to start a band, realizing I can't find a bass player as creative as you, coming back home, and asking you to be in a band with me again. I'll miss you, but I know I'll see you again sometime soon.
Scot, first of all you're my most musically talented friend, and I wish I could have half the ability you do. I'm grateful for having your support as well through my tough times. We've had some very interesting conversations, which were possible because you think on deeper levels. You know how I like that in a person. I'll miss your company. (I know you might get sad that other people's paragraphs were a little longer, but I don't have much else to say, other than that you've been my greatest friend in how you cared so sincerely about me.)
James! I'm not leaving you back in Rancho, but I'll still miss you over there in Davis. You are my oldest friend, all the way back from Ms. Yamaguchi's class. We really need to stay lifelong friends or I'll be sad.
I love you Jamie. You and I both know that twenty years from now, after we've both played the field, had our fun, and given up on any hope of marriage or love, we're just going to get married. Let me know if you want to give up early, we can move in together. Don't worry, separate beds.
Chad, the past few months we've started to hang out more. Looking back, I'd say you've been a great friend even though you weren't my closest. What I mean is the times we do hang out and talk you're always supportive and accepting. Thank you for that.
Mike, I think it's so sick you got your own place. You've always seemed independent and self-sufficient. Enjoy yourself like I know you do, but don't forget to become a doctor (if that's still what you want). Also, I love your attitude of "my shit is your shit." Few people are that selfless, so it's a conspicuous quality.
Anthony, you're dedicated in everything you do. I know you're going to become a wealthy restaurant owner / vacation planner / whatever it was you told me you wanted to do (sorry I forgot) because you have your mind set on it.
Daina, you give me shit, I give it back, and it makes me laugh. I'm glad we met.
Janet, you're a witty one. I told Chris you were fucking awesome; I'm pretty sure it's true.
I have a thing for these witty girls... Brooke, you crack me up. My only regret is that we didn't become friends years ago. Your intelligence shows in your endless wise-ass remarks, which I love. You better come visit me.
Derek, Jayme, and Steven: junior year you three provided me with a much-needed intellectual outlet, maybe like a pressure valve on an air compressor. Thank you. Dan, you're in the "I wish we hung out more" group.
Chris and Christian, I had a great time on tour and in Man Band. Lots of good memories with both of you.
Stephy and Mama! You both helped me out a lot by being there after my expulsion. Your support meant so much to me. And thanks for convincing me to do that play. Stephy, I hope I see you before I leave; it's been a while.
Kevin, you were a great mentor. You have a lot to say, a lot to teach people. Your life is a great example to people who need one, so keep at it even if you get discouraged. Thank you for sharing your knowledge with me (and all of us). Also, thanks for being patient with my argumentative tendencies. Hopefully I didn't piss you off too bad. Brie, even though we didn't talk as much, thanks for being there those time you did help me out. Sorry we drank all your iced tea.
I could keep going for a long, long time - there are so many people I'm glad to have in my life. All the family, JR, Becca, and everyone else: Brianna, Meg, Diana, An, Thomas... Everyone. Thank you.
Please don't feel bad if I didn't mention you. If I knew you, I liked you.
11 comments:
facking shat. this is one of those entries that is super sad while simultaneously being exhilarating somehow. can't explain... you know what i mean. and i thank you for mentioning me even though we know each other only briefly through friends of friends of friends of dogs of fish, and we've seen each other in real life perhaps 3 times.... all that aside, i hope we remain friends, if only through blogspot, and i will continue to read your mish mash as long as there is something to read. because as i believe in harvey dent, i also believe in writing. i have high hopes for you, kid. talk to me.
thanks for reading it, Janny [: I will keep in touch.
[:
will do.
You will definitely be missed, Brian. I'm looking forward to hearing about your adventures. You are quite an extraordinary person, and I have every confidence in you!!
As usual, well spoken sir.
And you aren't leaving before I get to shake your hand and say goodbye.
I'll call in a bomb threat to the airport of I have to. You know I'll do it, too.
Brian, I have a lot to say and I probably won't be able to say it all here, but it won't stop me from trying.
You and I are so very similar in so many ways. Sometimes I think about how odd it is that we never became closer. I don't want to come off sappy because that's not what I am feeling or thinking. From the time I met you in eighth grade you have been one of the most intelligent people I have ever known. The fact that you are able to think on a level that's so far above the literal reality and then to express that to others through, at least what I think, is beautiful writing and your way of speaking. As weird as this sounds I've always found you to be a person of the utmost honesty because of the way you speak your mind. I feel like when I read your thoughts or hear you speak them they might as well be my own because of their purity.
Brian, I hope you don't mind me saying so, but I think you are running away. I think that your senses tell you that you hate it here and that school and your job are boring and stupid (which they probably are) but that’s not really why your leaving. How different do you really think it will be out there? How long till the novelty really runs off? I think the real reason you are leaving isn't because you hate the things around you, but because you hate the things inside you. You are trying to run away from yourself.
Maybe I'm full of shit, I don't really know what the hell I'm talking about. But if you are like me you just have the desire to leave because you want to believe it's not you. That it's just the environment.
You know, the sad part is that I think in your heart you know this is the wrong decision, but the saddest part is that you'll go through with it anyway.
I'd tell you not to go, but there's no point. You decided this a long time ago by now. And besides, if you really are anything like me, you need to go to learn the hard way.
I wish you all the best, I really do. I hope that some day you become everything that you can become. As much as I've come to hate the word potential, you've got so much of it and I hope someday you make the most of it.
Live long and prosper,
Jayme
P.S. Feel free to delete this if I have perceived incorrectly.
it's probably because we're so similar that you saw right through me. you're right, I AM running from myself. I told Daina this in person, but I'll say it again: as far as dumb things go, leaving to get away from myself is right up there with a dog chasing his tail and thinking he's going to catch it. and I realize that.
but I won't believe leaving is the wrong decision until I find that out for myself. that's just how I am.
Hiding a blog behind an ampersand; very sneaky. :)
Brian. I wish I would have found this thing before I said goodbye at the airport. That talk on the last night in town on our patio would have been worded much more carefully, and probably would have been delivered sober. X)
I still support your decision to leave by over a thousand percent, but now I think I fully appreciate just how much you left behind.
Leaving home is, as I said, a crucial incident in your overall life experience that shapes who you are; it teaches you certain survival skills that just can't be learned through parental advice, and it also helps you to see yourself as a more complete and self-reliant individual. Free from the shadow of our parents, you can finally start to take a hard look at your own character and witness firsthand how you will react to and cope with the situations life throws at you on your own.
That said, I have to admit that reading this makes me feel guilty for pushing you so hard to commit to this. Your personality is markedly different from mine. I feel like I'm 'sociable' in the sense that I can befriend people easily and assimilate myself into almost any group of friends, whereas you are 'sociable' in the sense that you simply attract a group of people to you because of your personality. You're like the Gatsby to my Carraway. :)
For someone like me, leaving town did wonders for me because it freed me from the parents while still affording me a solid job (I'm guaranteed employment for the next five years) that I'm good at and I love. At the same time I had a good certainty that I could very easily plug into a new group of friends and continue being social and happy.
For someone like you, it takes years to build up the social support base that you had, because as much as you are able to get along with others, you can't really be yourself unless you're around people you know are similar-minded. While Seattle may hold a lot of great opportunities for you to meet new people, it will take a while for you to start building a network around you, and during that time the allure of going back to your network at home will be very strong, because it's already in place and you know it's full of people you trust and care about.
I promise that whenever you come back to San Diego, you will find things almost exactly as they were when you left, give or take a few people. I still go home quite often, and every time I see the same people I've always seen there; of course I'm very excited to see them, but at the same time I now know that my world is much wider than San Diego county, and the friends I left in Monterey will be waiting to see me when I leave San Diego again.
The point I'm trying to make is that, although you will question your decision (I questioned mine a lot at first), inevitably you will find that some good has come out of it. Regardless of how long (or short) you stay in Seattle, I hope you'll understand that it's part of a growing process, and that as long as you choose to learn from it, it counts as a success regardless of the material outcome.
Hang in there. It'll get harder before it gets easier. That's just life. Love you man.
thank you. that's probably the most insightful comment I've had, regarding my personality and what it'll take for me to build up here what I had back there.
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